Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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