Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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