literally had 100 drinks last night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
