I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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