The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
