Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
