my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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