When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize