Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize