apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
