I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
