this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
