My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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