i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
