dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
