Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
