Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just cropdusted the office
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
