I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize