i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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