sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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