look no pants
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
