I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize