Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize