I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
