areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize