Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
