Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
