I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
