I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
