All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize