we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
