You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize