on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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