I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
