Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
