Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
