this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
