dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
