some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
