So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
