Hey man sorry I got all grabby
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
