Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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