ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
