I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
