maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
