Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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