OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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