i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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