i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
