how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
