the condom got lost in my hair
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
