Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize