The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
