The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize