then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
