Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
