My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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