Im at strip club and am horny
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
