I'm going to jail i love you
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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