margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
