im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
