do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
