Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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