textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
