You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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