I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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