I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
