Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
